Fear!

Fear of the dark.  Fear of heights.  Fear of spiders. Fear of small places.  Fear of letting your parents, friends or family down.  Fear of the future.  Fear of crowds.  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of turning out like your parents.  Fear of success.  Fear of being judged. Fear of being alone.  Fear of rejection.  Fear of failure.  Fear!

We all have fears.  If we don’t face them the consequences can be significant.  How do we deal with fear? 

Step one: analyze the fear.  Why are you afraid?  Where does the fear come from?  Before you are able to face your fear and conquer it you must understand where it comes from and why you are afraid.  This may require a lot of soul searching and admitting to things you want to deny or pretend don’t exist.  You must be willing to be brutally honest with yourself.  I fear this and this is why!  It may take help to learn this.  Don’t be afraid to seek help in order to discover what’s in your past and who you are today.  It will be worth it!

Next:  determine what is real and what is not real.  On a certain level, of course it is real!  You’re afraid of something and the fear is very real.  However, the big question is it reasonable or not?  Is what you fear based in a likelihood of it happening or is it an unrealistic fear.  It may very well be that you are afraid of something that will never come to be or poses no danger to you.  This basic process has the potential of greatly reducing the impact of what you fear.

If the fear is reasonable and has some likelihood of occurrence then you will need to confront and completely acknowledge the fear.  Don’t deny it or try to hide from it.  Don’t make excuse or blame others. Admit it is a fear.  Before you are able to honestly acknowledge the fear you won’t be able to overcome it.    

Now it’s time to look at your fear.  What are all the possibilities, even the ridiculous?   What will happen if you fail or your worst fear comes true?  How bad will it be?  Once you’ve processed it and determined the worst possible outcome, decide if you are able to live with the result.  If you can live with that there is nothing to fear!   

Prepare!  Being ready to face your fear gives you power over it.  Decide what you need to do to make you more confident when the time comes.  Study, practice, and learn all you can.  Preparation helps remove doubt and replaces the doubt with confidence.   The more prepared you feel the more control you will have over your fear.    

Don’t ever give in or give up.  Push through the fear to the other side.  Make a commitment to not give in to the fear. Do what it is you fear and to proceed in spite of your fear.  Don’t give in or give up because of your fear.

You have the power to overcome your fears.  Each time you confront your fear it will lose some of its power over you.  Eventually you will over come it.  But you must never, ever give up and don’t ever let fear win! 

You’re Not Alone!

There was another local teen suicide this past week. A 17 year old high school student. It is such a tragedy that any one is so lost in despair and lack of hope that they believe this is their best option. Why don’t we see the signs? What can we do to help stop this?

First we must know what some of the things are that may initiate thoughts of suicide / put some one at risk: changes in the family, broken relationships, significant problems at home or with boy/girl friend; the media and the music some one listens to; abuse of alcohol and drugs; sexual issues (gender identity struggles, dangerous erotica); social issues with piers – being bullied, feels like an outcast and unwanted; family history of depression and physical problems / terminal illness.  These are just some of the factors in some one’s life that may lead to suicidal thoughts.  Things that can cause loss of hope, despair and anguish.

Now just because some one is experiencing these things doesn’t mean they are thinking about suicide but they can be events that trigger suicidal thoughts.

What are some signs that someone may be seriously considering suicide.  First, if someone talks about it or you see a reason you think they might be thinking about it , don’t dismiss it and think it is nothing!  Talk to them, find out what is going on and listen to them.   It is important to find out what they are truly thinking. 

Pay attention to details that answer the following:  How specific are they about the details?  How often have they thought about it?  Have they considered how they would do it?  Where? By what means? When?  The more lethal/certain the method is the more serious.  If the method is readily available the more serious.   Where they would do it is very important (the less likely to be found the more serious the risk). 

These may not be comfortable to discuss but are very important.  If someone tells you I think about it every day.  My dad has a gun hidden up stairs.  He doesn’t think I know where it is but I do.  I figure I’d take it after school some day, before any one is home.  Then I’d go to the abandoned warehouse a few streets from my house and do it there. No one would hear and they wouldn’t find me for days.  If they even missed me. 

This scenario has all the factors of a serious risk.  Frequency of thought, ease or opportunity, very lethal means and a location where no one will likely find him during the attempt.  It has been thought out with detail and would have a great likelihood of success.

This is not a complete list to consider nor does it contain all the answers but hopefully it will help you think about some things you haven’t before and some day they may help save some one’s life? 

*** Most important of all ***

If you think anyone you know is at risk or you are thinking about suicide yourself.  Seek professional help and consultation immediately.  If you or some one else is danger of harm right now.  Call 911 immediately.

You’re Not Alone!

Self esteem. Where does our opinion of what we think we should look like come from? Today we are surrounded with images that tell us how we should look to be considered beautiful.

We are bombarded with pictures and images that tell us to reach for an false standard to be considered beautiful. This if for both men and women: Women are shown as tall, thin, perfect hair, complexions and bodies. Men are to have the chiseled face, six pack abs, a golden tan and a full head of hair. Why? Who tells us we need to look like this to be beautiful!

“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” -Eleanor Roosevelt

“But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”

There is nothing wrong with wanting to “look good”, be fit, exercise and strive to be the best person you can be. In fact, every one of us should strive to be the best we can and reach our full potential with the gifts and talents we were given. But do it for yourself and your own health and well being not because society says you need to look a certain way to be considered beautiful. It is a lie!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYhCn0jf46U

By reaching for a standard that is not real you set yourself up for failure and disappointment every time. This in turn will destroy your self-esteem. You will never think your are good enough when nothing but the opposite is the truth.

“The mind is like a fertile garden. It will grow anything you wish to plant – beautiful flowers or weeds… Do not allow negative thoughts to enter your mind for they are the weeds that strangle confidence.” – Bruce Lee

“Don’t you know that you yourselves are God’s temple and that God’s Spirit lives in you? If anyone destroys God’s temple, God will destroy him; for God’s temple is sacred, and you are that temple.”

I know many of you are made to feel inadequate by others that think they are better than you, but if someone truly loves who they are they would not feel the need to tear others down. Those mean spirited people have their own self esteem issues. In order to feel better about themselves they attack and ridicule others. “At least I’m better than them” is what they need to think.

Don’t buy in to the lie and give others power over you and your happiness. Love your self and know that your are beautiful! You’re Not Alone!

You’re Not Alone because no matter what you are going thru, some one, some where has gone through something similar and they found a way to deal with it, face it and come out on the other side. I know these words will not make the pain go away or necessarily make the pain any easier to endure but perhaps they will provide some hope that whatever you are going through it is only temporary and you can conquer it.

Now, there may not be anyone you know right now going through what you are dealing with but I promise you that everyone around you has something they are trying to cope with. Perhaps they don’t like themselves, their family is dysfunctional, they don’t know how they are going to live with the pressure to succeed or the expectations to be a certain way, they want to be accepted by their piers and/or family, they don’t understand why bad things happen, what meaning is there in life, they feel alone, angry, lonely, confused and just want to be understood and loved.

This is what the name Also-Me represents. You can turn to anyone around you, in a room of five people or five hundred people and say Also-Me (me too), I’m confused, hurt, angry, insecure, depressed, need help, feel overwhelmed some times, want some one I can talk to, just want to be happy and know what to do next. Everyone and I mean everyone, not matter how popular/unpopular, what they look like, rich or poor, young or old, doesn’t matter the color of their skin or where they live, everyone has something they are trying to deal with. If someone tells you they don’t have something they are lying to you and themselves.

The difference is that some people accept that they need help and struggle. They aren’t afraid to admit it, stand up and say I can’t do it alone, I need help. It isn’t easy to do, you risk people judging you and once you admit you need help you become accountable for doing something about it.

Don’t be afraid others will judge you if you ask for help. Everyone has something, don’t worry about those that aren’t able or willing to admit it, be brave enough to face what is yours and do something about it!

Remember, You’re Not Alone!

I’d like to share a recent experience with you. As many of you may know Lynn (my wife) and I were in a motorcycle accident while on the 1000 mile for the Also-me fundraiser. As a result of the accident we were not able to complete the ride and Lynn spent a week in the Roanoke, VA hospital being treated for 5 broken ribs, a broken scapula and some mild road rash. While her injuries were not life threatening, they were and are very painful. The accident was my responsibility. If I had made the turn and controlled the motorcycle she would not have been hurt. While I was fine physically, this event had a significant emotional impact on me.

Lynn and I have faced many obstacles the last 3 ½ years. In addition to coping with the crime my son committed and all of its fall out, there have been significant financial challenges, family issues, illnesses and other situations that have stretched us beyond anything we thought we would ever have to face. All the while we have stayed strong and faithful.

Now I know there are many of you that have no time for faith, God or “religion”. All I want to do is share with you my experience and how I was helped. In addition to my faith, I have also spent many hours with therapists and psychologists to help me cope with the emotional issues from numerous events in my life such as: the anger and confusion from my childhood, the failure of my first marriage and the crime of my son. As always, I implore you to seek help, whether it is faith based or not, with whatever you are struggling with. You’re Not Alone!

Lynn had been taken out of the room for some follow up x-rays. For the last few days I had been beating myself up very badly because of the accident and how I was responsible for hurting Lynn. This put me in a place I had not been in for a long time. There were feelings of doubt about my faith, I couldn’t take any more stress and why was this happening, dominating my thoughts. Sitting there alone with my thoughts I decided to ask for some answers. The only book in the room was the Bible. I took it out of the drawer, sat on the pull out bed I had been using and held it between my hands. I closed my eyes, cleared my mind and prayed for God to help me with my doubts about Him. The verse John 3:18 entered my mind. I turned to it and read “Whoever believes in him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son.” NIV. Well that couldn’t have addressed my doubt any more clearly!

I still needed more help. So, I closed the Bible and my eyes again. Once again holding the Bible between my hands I prayed: What is going on? What do I do with all of this? How do I cope? Psalms 18:18 entered my mind. Turning to it I read “They confronted me in the day of my disaster, but the Lord was my support.” NIV. I was amazed, such a simple but powerful message on how to deal with the challenges in our lives!

That left just one more question I was wrestling with. What is MY deal? Why do I struggle? What is the biggest problem I must personally over come? Once more I closed the Bible, held it in my hands and prayed for something that would help me understand. The verse 1 Samuel 2:3 came to me. I had no idea what this would say, turning to it I found “Do not keep talking so proudly or let your mouth speak such arrogance, for the Lord is a God who knows and by him deeds are weighed.” NIV

Wow! This hit home. The over confidence in my gifts and abilities has long been a stumbling block I trip over. The thought that I can “control” a situation, “handle it” on my own is still is a burden I must lay down.

In my moment of doubt and need I humbled myself and asked for help and received it. My hope is that perhaps this will help some of you. Whatever it is, remember, you can get help through it. Ask for help. You’re Not Alone!

Here at Also-Me we’ve adopted S.C.A.R.S. – Simple Conversations About Real Stuff – as a theme for the blog and this section of the site.  We believe this will help everyone realize something extremely important, You’re Not Alone!

 The first thing we want to discuss is…

What are SCARS? 

Let’s look at some definitions: lasting signs of damage, either mental or physical; marks left by a healed wound OR a wound or a hurt.

Do you have any SCARS?  I know I do.  Often we don’t want to admit it, but we all have SCARS.  It doesn’t matter who you are, I promise you, everyone has SCARS.  You can look at anyone around you and say “also-me”. I’ve been hurt, I have doubts, I feel alone or lost,  I don’t like myself, I don’t like my life, I don’t understand why things are the way they are, I want more and many more struggles that leave SCARS. 

Some SCARS may be deeper and larger than others; perhaps they are new and still healing or perhaps the wounds are so deep you feel the SCARS may never heal?  The one thing I am certain of is You’re Not Alone!

No matter what you are going through someone else has gone through it and made it out on the other side.  They have not only survived, but conquered it and thrived.  You can do it to.  You’re Not Alone!

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had to face the divorce of my parents, issues with anger, the breaking up and failure of my first marriage, mistakes and failures as a father and the tragedy of what my oldest son did, amongst many other things.  I could focus on the bad things and the mistakes in my life.  They have all left SCARS, but it is what I do with these SCARS that matters.  Do I let them dominate my attitude or do I take something from each experience and become a stronger person?  You have the same choice!

Pain is inevitable, but misery is optional.   You’re Not alone!

We’re excited to roll out the first step of the S.C.A.R.S. (Simple Conversations About Real Stuff) section, the Also-Me blog!

What will you find on the blog?

• Announcements regarding changes and additions to the web site, we’ll let you know when we’ve added new content and where to find it.
• There will be postings about real life issues and concerns where we hope to have your input and comments.  Your thoughts and experiences do matter to us and may help others!
• We will share messages of hope, help and healing. 

Keep an eye on the blog for events, speaking engagements and updates regarding what is happening with Also-Me. 

Visit us on the blog often and please tell us what you like, don’t like and what you think… together we can change the world!

Tim Kreider

Founder Also-Me